Five Reasons I don’t Recommend the Parenting Advice on Channel 10’s New Show: Toddlers Behaving (Very) Badly.
The first episode of the new series “Toddlers Behaving (Very) Badly” aired on Channel 10 the other week, and I recently had the chance to watch it on catch up. As a proponent of gentle parenting, I watched the first episode with great interest and, not surprisingly, I found myself at odds with a lot of the advice given…. Well, all of it actually.
Here’s why:
1. I am unable to determine the host’s qualifications
One of the first things I like to consider when taking on advice is the person giving it. Specifically, I like to know that they are suitably qualified. However, when I visited the show’s host, Nanny Amies’ website, I couldn’t find any qualifications listed. A quick google search states that she has “child psychology qualifications”; however, it’s not clear what these qualifications are. The problem with this is that such descriptions are vague and do not help consumers differentiate between an accredited degree and a quick online course. This can be confusing because, while the title “psychologist” is heavily regulated, the term “psychology” is not. Unfortunately, this means that people can (and do) use the term “psychology” in ways that are misleading and can misrepresent their level of training. While I’m not suggesting that this what Nanny Amies is trying to do, I am suggesting that we should not assume that someone who describes themselves as an ‘expert’ is necessarily trained at an appropriate level. While some might have the appropriate relevant training, others might not. This is important because the reason that certain professional titles are regulated is because it ensures a minimum standard of training and practice. This protects us from those who (however well intentioned) might unknowingly promote practices that can be harmful. So my advice is, when deciding to enlist the help of an ‘expert’, make sure they are appropriately qualified. If they use vague descriptions of unspecified qualifications, then proceed with caution.
2. The show promotes prejudiced views towards parents
Within the first few minutes of the first episode, Nanny Amies expresses the view that discipline “is a taboo topic these days”. Unfortunately, there is wide spread belief in society that parents must punish their children if they want them to grow into decent and moral people, and failure to do so will produce spoiled brats who are lazy and unruly. However, not only is this incorrect (for reasons I’ll go into below), it also underpins a common and baseless criticism directed at parents and parenting. Throughout history, parents have been accused of being too soft and failing to uphold boundaries much in the same way that children and young people have always been accused of being lazy and disrespectful. In fact, in his book, ‘The Myth of the Spoiled Child’, Alfie Kohns recounts several examples of popular magazines, books, and articles that express these very criticisms dating as far back as the1640s. Thus, it seems that, irrespective of how parenting might have changed over thousands of years, public opinion about modern day parenting is pretty much the same as it was way back then. So, perhaps it’s just the equivalent of the ole ‘kids these days’ sentiment, only it’s directed at parents, and is more a reflection of prejudiced attitudes towards parents rather than anything grounded in fact.
3. The show promotes outdated behavioural strategies
Nanny Amies’ approach draws heavily on rewards and punishments in order to gain control over children’s behaviour. These strategies are based on the work of behaviourists from about the 1930s to the 1950s, which were primarily used to train animals. However, while this approach might be great for training your pooch, they are known to have some fairly significant down-sides when applied to children. While they might achieve fast results in the short term (which makes good TV), the fact that these strategies also lead to other long term problems often gets overlooked. According to the research, children who are routinely punished tend to become more aggressive and less empathic over time because it leads the child to focus on their own suffering rather than how their behaviour impacts others. They also show increased dishonest behaviour, such as sneaking and lying, because the relationship between parent and child erodes, whereby the parent comes to be seen as an obstacle to be worked around. Additionally, both rewards and punishments fail to foster internal motivation or good moral judgement because the child learns to do the right thing to get a reward or avoid a punishment, not because it’s the right thing to do. What all of this means is that rewards and punishments fail to foster many desirable qualities and, instead, foster a kind of ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude; this can get tricky when the child gets older and stickers and reward charts no longer cut it. Of course, as a parent, I know the allure of just getting our children to (for the love of god!) comply but, at the same time, we need to remind ourselves that we are not raising perpetual children – we are raising future adults. If we were to list the traits that we would like for our children to develop as adults, my guess is that words like ‘obedient’ and ‘compliant’ probably wouldn’t make the list.
4. The show fails to adequately investigate what the underlying causes of challenging behaviour might be
I’m aware that those of you who are reading this might be asking yourselves “well, what do you recommend instead?” However, answering this question is tricky without knowing more about what drives the behaviour in question. This is something that is noticeably absent from the show. Take four year old, James, for example, who repeatedly runs away from his mum at any chance he gets. From what is shown, it appears that he sees it as a game and likes the attention. I wonder why? Is he getting enough attention at home? Is that what he needs? It’s difficult to say with certainty but it appears that his mother quite playfully calls out “I’ll get ya” as she’s chasing him – this sure sounds like fun and, thus, likely perpetuates the behaviour. If this is the case, then having mum eliminate that one thing might be all that’s needed in order to stop the behaviour. But it could also be that little James just needs a bit more attention from his mum at other times as well. Again, given that the show doesn’t address any of the ‘why’ questions around the behaviour, it is very difficult to say.
5. The show promotes controlled crying
To quickly recap, in the first episode, Nanny Amies visits with the family of 2 year old, Riley, whose reluctance to go to bed at night is making the bedtime routine a major source of stress for everyone. The family is due to welcome a new baby within weeks and, not surprisingly, Riley’s parents are worried about how they will manage. In response to their concerns, Nanny Amie’s recommendation is controlled crying. This is a behavioural extinction method whereby the child is left alone to cry for gradually longer periods until they eventually fall asleep. A thorough overview of the risks of controlled crying is a bit lengthy to go over here, so I will post about this separately in the coming days; but, in short, parents would be well advised to steer clear of any advice that requires them to ignore their child’s cries. It’s important to remember that a child’s brain is growing at an astonishing rate; thus, the relational environment in which s/he is raised matters a great deal. Essentially, for optimal development, we want our child’s neuro-circuitry to be established based on experiences of safety and security rather than stress and abandonment. If we can do this, then we can help our child grow a brain that is primed for happiness, resilience, and effective emotion regulation as opposed to anxiety and depression.
For parents who would like to know more about parenting gently and how this differs from traditional behavioural approaches, there are a number of great sites that you can visit, which I have listed below.
Thanks and happy parenting
Dr Lisa
https://sarahockwell-smith.com/sarahs-blog-posts/
https://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers
https://raisedgood.com/toddlers-meltdowns-brain-development-ditch-traditional-discipline/
